TWIST

I've applied everywhere.

Out of ~250 applications, I've gotten 3 interviews.

Out of 3 interviews, I've gotten three jobs. One with a bogus "marketing" company in August, one with Red Robin, two days after getting hired at Villa Parker.

It's kinda weird being unemployed for that long. I wasn't losing faith in God, but I was somewhat losing faith in myself. I've always been an excellent interviewer. It's some weird gift that I don't get nervous or freaked out during them. In my life, I've applied for a lot of jobs and if I got an interview I 98% of the time, got the job. The only place not to hire me is Starbucks.

So applying all over the place and not getting hired, I was getting pretty frustrated. Even after Red Robin. I applied for a job that I sort of felt was beneath me but was do-able. They said they'd call by Friday and if I didn't hear from them, it meant they had gone with someone else. Well thank goodness they didn't call on time! My third day on the job at Villa Parker, Red Robin called to offer me a job.

My faith in myself has been restored. And after a knee doctor appointment with an MRI on the way (pending my insurance), working a fantastic job and being just days away from getting my final score on the GRE, life seems just a little bit better than 3 weeks ago. Still snowy, but better.

What am I? 70?

"Maybe if I just type out what I'm feeling, I'll stop thinking about it."

I'm getting so fed up with my knee. I can't run, I can't hike, I can't bike, I can't even do YOGA. Seriously, just going grocery shopping with my mom for an hour means staying up for a few hours because my knees hurt.

I relied on working out. It was my sanity-keeper. It helped in controlling my ADHD, it was a motivator, it let me get all of my frustrations out and it was time I took for myself. And now, I'm noticing my body changing because eating healthy really only goes so far. Seriously, WTF. Am I 70 years old? I'm experiencing some of the same problems my grandma is having! Seriously! I've already had carpal tunnel surgery (which she's had three times) and she's had knee surgery more times than I can count. I'm fricken' 23 years old and I should be able to run or go hiking!

I can't tell you how badly I was hoping the Doctor would be able to see me today. But alas I have to wait until Thursday. Monkey eff.

ADHD and Adderall

I've been feeling quite unmotivated to study geometry lately. Which isn't unusual because let's face it, geometry sucks. But with the GRE testing date readily approaching, it is one of the last sections of the test I have left to tackle. A week ago, I was perusing my medicine collection looking for a decongestant and stumbled over the spare adderall I saved just in case. I looked at it for a second, reminisced for a moment of what it was like on that drug, and carried on with my sniffly-nosed self.

However today, I sat there with the orange vile in my hand for several moments weighing the pros and cons of the drug. With somewhat of a nervous heart, I broke a pill into fourths. I wrapped one piece in a kleenex and took it with me to Starbucks to study for my friend, the GRE.

I ended up taking it and with in 20 minutes, I remembered what it was like to feel momentarily capable. I stopped for a second to try to think of just what it's like to take adderall. What I came up with is that I have two voices in my head. (Haha, go ahead make jokes- I have voices in my head.) But these two voices are covered by every other sound in the world. In Starbucks, it was just people talking, pulling their chairs out, the coffee machines whirling, cell phones going off, music overhead and it forms this cloud over my brain. I can't hear myself think, I can't even hear my music on my earphones. Pile all of that on top of trying to think and focus on flash cards and it just wasn't happening.

But as soon as the adderall kicks in, all I hear is ME. I hear my running voices and the crowd of voices around me just seems to silence itself. It's like God puts the mute button on the rest of the world and I'm left to my voices. One voice is like the broad voice telling me all the things I need to do that day- flashcards, geometry, quiet time with God, calling people, writing personal statements. This voice works in sync with the other voice that motivates me and drives me. "Finish these vocab words before you leave. Next word... Next... Next." One voice is the one that pushes forward and one is the voice that encompasses all that my life needs. Between these voices I finish things, I accomplish what I need, and I meet goals. Being dyslexic and ADD I just imagine that adderall is what allows both sides of my brain to work together. Sort of this great equalizer of my mind.

It's raised a lot of questions as to WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH my doctor ever suggested that I take one half of a pill twice a day, when 1/4th of a pill seemed to work just as fine. I can't imagine that I'll have a hard time sleeping tonight due to 1/4th of a pill, but I guess we'll find out in due time.

Panic

I'm pretty proud of myself. I've been really content with the direction of my life as of lately. Lots of studying for the GRE, volunteer training all over the place, and no more fighting with my parents. This isn't to say everything has been perfect, however. Without being able to work out due to my bum knee, my jeans were getting a little too tight. Luckily for me, I was addicted to The Biggest Loser beforehand and have picked up a new interest in nutrition and everything will be just fine.

Today, however, I had a slight panic. I remember growing up that I always kind of imagined that I'd be married by the time I was 25. I'm 23, I turn 24 in June and I (hopefully) leave for grad school in July/August. And I can't imagine that me in grad school would leave a whoooole lot of time to date. To me this just doesn't seem like the perfect time to be finding a man.

But I was pretty proud of myself for being able to calm myself down quickly and remember that God has a plan for my life... and a spectacular one at that! I had a rough year, but I get that feeling and I really believe that everything is going to be okay. Nay! Better than okay- pretty darn fantastic!

It's not judging if it's true...

Okay, tonight was the camel that broke the camel's back.

I am SO SICK and frustrated with people in this world who say they are Christians and go along their path of narcissism and destruction. This includes politicians and "musicians" that use the title of "Christian" in order to gain support from people who wouldn't know whether they are. Sure, they probably think they are Christians, but just SAYING that you're a Christian doesn't make you holy.

Good grief. Two of my least favorite people in this world use TV and internet to perpetuate their drama-filled lives. It seems as though you see them on MTV every week fighting, obsessing over their possessions and their meaningless lives. I went onto Twitter for the first time in a while the other day and saw Heidi Montag's profile on there. There were two types of tweets on her page. The ones where she was repeating all the praises she received from people about her blossoming music career (please note my disdain on the word music) and then her tweets about how much she loves God.

At first I didn't want to judge. Especially because it's been something I've been working hard on; not judging other people. But when I tried to find out if maybe she had experienced some life changes that led her to Christ, I saw that nothing in her life had changed and even found TONS of pictures of her dancing with strippers, videos of her fighting with her hubby (who I believe is an angel for the devil himself- okay maybe that's judging...) and general drama.

I don't tell people I'm Christian anymore. I think it has such a bad connotation now that people judge me immediately when I say I am. To me it's not about the religion, it's not about the reputation- it's about living a life worthy of Jesus dying for it. I finally understand the pain Jesus died to save me from and I want to make sure others understand that love.

Okay. I'm don't venting now. Thanks.

A day with snakes...

So my dad has this past-time. We have a chart on the fridge of how many snakes he's killed. After today, I've contributed to this list. I'm not sure if I'm proud of myself or if I feel bad for killing them, but it at least made for a funny story.

How our house is built in the backyard, there's some concrete landscaping and it's apparently left a lot of open dirt space for snakes to bury and travel. Unfortunately for us, this means we get a TON of snakes. This also means we have mice, hawks, owls, and we're the only house on the block that isn't flooded with humming birds (sad). My reasoning to not feel bad about killing these slithering creeps is that they've attracted birds that are capable of carrying off our poor, frightened Scottish Terrier.

The story starts yesterday when my dad left, leaving me in charge of the snake hunts. I had never actually killed one before- only watched dad kill them. I had spotted this TINY sort of bright green one and he and I played hide and seek all day. Seriously, the score was Snake:3, Molly:0

So this morning I got up and it was warmer out so I thought there would be some snakes out. I got my trusty shovel and spotted one by a tree. I stabbed my shovel it and... he was still alive. Now, I know it's a garter snake and it doesn't have enough venom to actually hurt a human being, but the thought of picking up that shovel and being attacked by something that creepy just wasn't cutting it.

My mom had come out to take a picture of the hilarity (me stuck with a shovel, one pant leg rolled up from my bike ride, and a snake creeping me out... haha funny!) so I had her get the other shovel so I could try again. Not only did I hit the snake, I managed to stop the rebound of the handle to the shovel with my forehead.

I still, 12 hours later, have a bump on my forehead. However I managed to kill two more snakes after the first one and the elusive baby snake escaped me two more times.

Volunteering!

I know that God has given me gifts. They're not traditional gifts like speaking in tongues or memorizing scripture, but they're my gifts and I'm grateful for them!

I'm excited because my parents really seem to understand that grad school and Student Affairs is where I feel God is calling me and where I can use my gift. And now that they understand that, they also understand the value that volunteering for the next couple of months has for my path.

A lot of opportunities have opened up and they don't sound like they're just going to be a typical volunteer experience. Working with refugees from Africa, a volunteer probation officer, and helping adult learners with literacy. They all sound like there is opportunity to learn from others lives and experiences to expand my own limited view of the world.