Sunday, October 25, 2009

ADHD and Adderall

I've been feeling quite unmotivated to study geometry lately. Which isn't unusual because let's face it, geometry sucks. But with the GRE testing date readily approaching, it is one of the last sections of the test I have left to tackle. A week ago, I was perusing my medicine collection looking for a decongestant and stumbled over the spare adderall I saved just in case. I looked at it for a second, reminisced for a moment of what it was like on that drug, and carried on with my sniffly-nosed self.

However today, I sat there with the orange vile in my hand for several moments weighing the pros and cons of the drug. With somewhat of a nervous heart, I broke a pill into fourths. I wrapped one piece in a kleenex and took it with me to Starbucks to study for my friend, the GRE.

I ended up taking it and with in 20 minutes, I remembered what it was like to feel momentarily capable. I stopped for a second to try to think of just what it's like to take adderall. What I came up with is that I have two voices in my head. (Haha, go ahead make jokes- I have voices in my head.) But these two voices are covered by every other sound in the world. In Starbucks, it was just people talking, pulling their chairs out, the coffee machines whirling, cell phones going off, music overhead and it forms this cloud over my brain. I can't hear myself think, I can't even hear my music on my earphones. Pile all of that on top of trying to think and focus on flash cards and it just wasn't happening.

But as soon as the adderall kicks in, all I hear is ME. I hear my running voices and the crowd of voices around me just seems to silence itself. It's like God puts the mute button on the rest of the world and I'm left to my voices. One voice is like the broad voice telling me all the things I need to do that day- flashcards, geometry, quiet time with God, calling people, writing personal statements. This voice works in sync with the other voice that motivates me and drives me. "Finish these vocab words before you leave. Next word... Next... Next." One voice is the one that pushes forward and one is the voice that encompasses all that my life needs. Between these voices I finish things, I accomplish what I need, and I meet goals. Being dyslexic and ADD I just imagine that adderall is what allows both sides of my brain to work together. Sort of this great equalizer of my mind.

It's raised a lot of questions as to WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH my doctor ever suggested that I take one half of a pill twice a day, when 1/4th of a pill seemed to work just as fine. I can't imagine that I'll have a hard time sleeping tonight due to 1/4th of a pill, but I guess we'll find out in due time.

Saturday, October 24, 2009


I'm pretty proud of myself. I've been really content with the direction of my life as of lately. Lots of studying for the GRE, volunteer training all over the place, and no more fighting with my parents. This isn't to say everything has been perfect, however. Without being able to work out due to my bum knee, my jeans were getting a little too tight. Luckily for me, I was addicted to The Biggest Loser beforehand and have picked up a new interest in nutrition and everything will be just fine.

Today, however, I had a slight panic. I remember growing up that I always kind of imagined that I'd be married by the time I was 25. I'm 23, I turn 24 in June and I (hopefully) leave for grad school in July/August. And I can't imagine that me in grad school would leave a whoooole lot of time to date. To me this just doesn't seem like the perfect time to be finding a man.

But I was pretty proud of myself for being able to calm myself down quickly and remember that God has a plan for my life... and a spectacular one at that! I had a rough year, but I get that feeling and I really believe that everything is going to be okay. Nay! Better than okay- pretty darn fantastic!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

It's not judging if it's true...

Okay, tonight was the camel that broke the camel's back.

I am SO SICK and frustrated with people in this world who say they are Christians and go along their path of narcissism and destruction. This includes politicians and "musicians" that use the title of "Christian" in order to gain support from people who wouldn't know whether they are. Sure, they probably think they are Christians, but just SAYING that you're a Christian doesn't make you holy.

Good grief. Two of my least favorite people in this world use TV and internet to perpetuate their drama-filled lives. It seems as though you see them on MTV every week fighting, obsessing over their possessions and their meaningless lives. I went onto Twitter for the first time in a while the other day and saw Heidi Montag's profile on there. There were two types of tweets on her page. The ones where she was repeating all the praises she received from people about her blossoming music career (please note my disdain on the word music) and then her tweets about how much she loves God.

At first I didn't want to judge. Especially because it's been something I've been working hard on; not judging other people. But when I tried to find out if maybe she had experienced some life changes that led her to Christ, I saw that nothing in her life had changed and even found TONS of pictures of her dancing with strippers, videos of her fighting with her hubby (who I believe is an angel for the devil himself- okay maybe that's judging...) and general drama.

I don't tell people I'm Christian anymore. I think it has such a bad connotation now that people judge me immediately when I say I am. To me it's not about the religion, it's not about the reputation- it's about living a life worthy of Jesus dying for it. I finally understand the pain Jesus died to save me from and I want to make sure others understand that love.

Okay. I'm don't venting now. Thanks.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

A day with snakes...

So my dad has this past-time. We have a chart on the fridge of how many snakes he's killed. After today, I've contributed to this list. I'm not sure if I'm proud of myself or if I feel bad for killing them, but it at least made for a funny story.

How our house is built in the backyard, there's some concrete landscaping and it's apparently left a lot of open dirt space for snakes to bury and travel. Unfortunately for us, this means we get a TON of snakes. This also means we have mice, hawks, owls, and we're the only house on the block that isn't flooded with humming birds (sad). My reasoning to not feel bad about killing these slithering creeps is that they've attracted birds that are capable of carrying off our poor, frightened Scottish Terrier.

The story starts yesterday when my dad left, leaving me in charge of the snake hunts. I had never actually killed one before- only watched dad kill them. I had spotted this TINY sort of bright green one and he and I played hide and seek all day. Seriously, the score was Snake:3, Molly:0

So this morning I got up and it was warmer out so I thought there would be some snakes out. I got my trusty shovel and spotted one by a tree. I stabbed my shovel it and... he was still alive. Now, I know it's a garter snake and it doesn't have enough venom to actually hurt a human being, but the thought of picking up that shovel and being attacked by something that creepy just wasn't cutting it.

My mom had come out to take a picture of the hilarity (me stuck with a shovel, one pant leg rolled up from my bike ride, and a snake creeping me out... haha funny!) so I had her get the other shovel so I could try again. Not only did I hit the snake, I managed to stop the rebound of the handle to the shovel with my forehead.

I still, 12 hours later, have a bump on my forehead. However I managed to kill two more snakes after the first one and the elusive baby snake escaped me two more times.

Monday, October 12, 2009


I know that God has given me gifts. They're not traditional gifts like speaking in tongues or memorizing scripture, but they're my gifts and I'm grateful for them!

I'm excited because my parents really seem to understand that grad school and Student Affairs is where I feel God is calling me and where I can use my gift. And now that they understand that, they also understand the value that volunteering for the next couple of months has for my path.

A lot of opportunities have opened up and they don't sound like they're just going to be a typical volunteer experience. Working with refugees from Africa, a volunteer probation officer, and helping adult learners with literacy. They all sound like there is opportunity to learn from others lives and experiences to expand my own limited view of the world.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


When I was going through the training to become a Resident Assistant, we spent a fair amount of time discussing diversity. One of the topics they introduced was privilege. Meaning that being of a certain race, religion, socioeconomic status, or gender gives you automatic privilege. White, middle class men who identify as Christian have the most privilege in our society. (Yes, they probably have the hardest time getting scholarships to college but other than that- they don't have too many reasons to complain in life.)

We can use our privilege to be allies to people with less privilege. Because I'm a white Christian female, it's easier for me to speak out on behalf of other women who have been sexually assaulted. Particularly Christians are called to help others. God blesses us so that we can use that blessing to glorify God and help others. Someone pointed it out that often times we just receive God's blessing and then never pass it on.

I've waited a while to say this and I hope that anyone from this group of people takes this with an open heart and mind. I understand that when I was in this group, I didn't do anything to change this. However, I don't feel like the students in Navigators use their privilege correctly. They have time and are highly sociable and yet they only keep to themselves.

While occassionally a new person is accepted into their clan- they are still always together. Which is great to a degree, don't get me wrong- but how is closing themselves off to the rest of the University helping spread the word of God? How do you make non-believers believers by not hanging out with them? I understand that the missions trip they take to Seattle every spring break is doing great work, but it's one week of the year.

And I'm not saying this represents everyone who has ever attended Navs or that I'm any better at it than they are, but I think it should be something considered. S'alls I'm saying.

This comes up in my mind because I'm very excited that I've been granted the time and security to volunteer. Having spoken with the library, the hospital, and the victims assistance team in Parker- I realize how excited I am to use my privilege as a Christian to help others. People who don't know about Jesus or people who have lost their way.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Haircuts, knees and other issues

First off, let me point out that I recently got a hair trim. I had this one chunk of hair that would always get in my eyes and face and couldn't decide whether it was part of my bangs or not. The lady took the razor to it and my bangs finally seem to make sense with the rest of my hair.

The problem? My hair cut is WAY too similar to my guinea pigs'.

It's been 3 days since my bike ride around Parker and my knees still hurt. Which also means it's been a week since I've worked out. Part of me just wants to say "screw it" and keep working out. But deep down I know it'll just get worse and worse. I don't think I could explain just how frustrating it is to have the gym taken away as well.

I guess Hosea 2 really does mean He will block every path we have.

Speaking of blocking paths, Gap is a big no. I don't really care to go into much detail about why after two days of actually going in, I now have to quit, but let's just say adjusting to living at home is about a hundred times more difficult than I ever would have imagined.

On the bright side of things, I got some great work done on personal statements for grad school. I even discovered that a peer in my undergraduate (now that we live in separate states and I've realized just how much I missed out on by not getting to know her better) is applying to the same program I am. Perhaps we'll both end up at Seattle University. I wouldn't mind ANYTHING that that would entail.

Friday, October 2, 2009

The Male Feminist Movement

I was listening to the radio on my daily trip to Michael's craft store. Jamie Fox's "Blame it on the Alcohol" was on and it sounded like he was telling women to be independent and buy their own drinks, hook up with these men, and then go back to being independent.

Okay first off- I was wrong about the lyrics, but it still made me think.
Secondly, I hate this song. Just proof that everyone thinks they can sing and just about no one really can.

But the thing that really struck me is what the "feminist movement" has done to men. We pay for ourselves as women, we live by ourselves, we work hard and we take all responsibility off of men. And women wonder why they can never find good men... Just another way I'm convinced the new feminism movement is ruining america.