I've been feeling quite unmotivated to study geometry lately. Which isn't unusual because let's face it, geometry sucks. But with the GRE testing date readily approaching, it is one of the last sections of the test I have left to tackle. A week ago, I was perusing my medicine collection looking for a decongestant and stumbled over the spare adderall I saved just in case. I looked at it for a second, reminisced for a moment of what it was like on that drug, and carried on with my sniffly-nosed self.
However today, I sat there with the orange vile in my hand for several moments weighing the pros and cons of the drug. With somewhat of a nervous heart, I broke a pill into fourths. I wrapped one piece in a kleenex and took it with me to Starbucks to study for my friend, the GRE.
I ended up taking it and with in 20 minutes, I remembered what it was like to feel momentarily capable. I stopped for a second to try to think of just what it's like to take adderall. What I came up with is that I have two voices in my head. (Haha, go ahead make jokes- I have voices in my head.) But these two voices are covered by every other sound in the world. In Starbucks, it was just people talking, pulling their chairs out, the coffee machines whirling, cell phones going off, music overhead and it forms this cloud over my brain. I can't hear myself think, I can't even hear my music on my earphones. Pile all of that on top of trying to think and focus on flash cards and it just wasn't happening.
But as soon as the adderall kicks in, all I hear is ME. I hear my running voices and the crowd of voices around me just seems to silence itself. It's like God puts the mute button on the rest of the world and I'm left to my voices. One voice is like the broad voice telling me all the things I need to do that day- flashcards, geometry, quiet time with God, calling people, writing personal statements. This voice works in sync with the other voice that motivates me and drives me. "Finish these vocab words before you leave. Next word... Next... Next." One voice is the one that pushes forward and one is the voice that encompasses all that my life needs. Between these voices I finish things, I accomplish what I need, and I meet goals. Being dyslexic and ADD I just imagine that adderall is what allows both sides of my brain to work together. Sort of this great equalizer of my mind.
It's raised a lot of questions as to WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH my doctor ever suggested that I take one half of a pill twice a day, when 1/4th of a pill seemed to work just as fine. I can't imagine that I'll have a hard time sleeping tonight due to 1/4th of a pill, but I guess we'll find out in due time.